Exercising Parental Authority

Raising children so they become healthy and well-adjusted adults should be as instinctive, and as uncomplicated and natural, as it is for any other creature in the animal world. However, we humans we have largely lost our inborn, intuitive faculties in almost all areas, the result of armoring* and the influences of society. Childrearing is a case in point. What we can learn from Wilhelm Reich regarding how to best raise children is enormous, as he has told us how we can prevent the formation of armor in infants and children. Equipped with this knowledge we can make our way out of the trap that has caused humankind so much unhappiness.

Every decent parent wants their child to grow up to lead a satisfying life, to be self-sufficient, and able to deal with the inevitable hardships they will encounter. When I was a member of the American College of Orgonomy, I addressed the question of when to exert parental authority with a short response to a Q&A that appeared in the Journal of Orgonomy. I am going to expand upon my thinking on the subject here, as all parents face this difficult question. 

Healthy childrearing requires that parents exercise their natural authority appropriately. For this to occur, they must be able to accurately gauge and appropriately respond to their child’s needs. In principle this is simple, but it can be most difficult to carry out. Children need the freedom to make their own choices, or they will not be able to function as self-sufficient, independent adults. However, children often behave neurotically and, when they do, control by the parent is warranted. Reich tells us, in “Children of the Future” that: “Neurotic behavior cannot be dealt with by means of self-regulation. It forces authoritarian measures.” (Italics in the original.)

There are many situations in which authoritarian action requiring strict obedience is necessary. Children raised without externally imposed limits suffer intense anxiety and will often act out in an attempt to bring about the control they unconsciously crave and require. Children raised by parents who take an overly authoritarian approach also suffer. They are apt to grow up with a variety of inhibitions and a great deal of pent up rage.

There is no end to the reasons why parents fail to appropriately exercise their authority. This is because parents, like everyone, behave largely based on their particular character structure and how they were raised. Parents may be full of repressed anger, and telling their children how they must conduct themselves and what to do serves to make them feel better. Parents may be too concerned with what others--neighbors, friends, their parents--think is appropriate conduct, and may control natural, high-spirited behavior they would otherwise rightly accept. The emotional plague may also be at work. It is always suspect when anyone in a position of authority tells someone what they should do. The important point here is that parents too often exert their authority inappropriately in the service of their neurosis. They are unaware their imposed control--or lack thereof--is unjustified and driven by unconscious factors.

Determining the best way to parent in any given situation is not only confounded by one’s own neurosis, and everyone is more or less neurotic, but also by the sickness and complexity of society. The well-intentioned ideas of “freedom” and “growing up naturally” must be tempered with the realities of functioning in the real world. For example, if we were living in a “state of nature,” it might be perfectly all right for children, as they grow up, to continue to eat with their hands. However, given the culture we live in, such behavior would be inappropriate. Children who are not required to observe accepted social conventions will have a difficult time in life. Navigating properly in society does not come naturally and children require direction from parents.

When exerting authority, consistency is important. Unpredictable behavior by parents makes for children who are always unsure of how to act. Such children never know what is expected or what will be the consequence of their actions. This sort of upbringing is an important factor that lays the foundation for children to grow up constantly worrying and unsure how to act.

It is not possible, and thankfully not necessary, for a parent to always behave perfectly toward their child. More important than perfect parenting is their overall relationship. If there is mutual love and respect, a parent’s inappropriate exertion of authority in any given instance may be inconsequential. It is also quite OK, and even very valuable, for parents to admit their mistakes to their children. For example, a parent might say, “I was wrong not to let you play on your friend’s jungle gym. The idea that you might fall made me nervous, so I stopped you.” Such honesty helps children realize they are not at fault and nobody, not even their parents, is perfect.

Clearly, psychiatric orgone therapy enables one to be a better parent. All of my patients with children have reported to me that their children are far happier, and better adjusted emotionally, than they were as kids, and they attribute this generational improvement to therapy. As armor is dissolved parents naturally, and without any effort on their part, come into better contact with their children. This helps them to instinctively “know” what to do in any given situation. Treatment decreases one’s anger and the need to control, as well as other emotions that drive neurotic behavior. Also, during therapy, discussing childrearing issues as they arise helps parents gain clarity and act more appropriately.

Raising children is one of life’s most important and difficult challenges. Bringing up children who are relatively untroubled and have the capacity to be independent and self-sufficient is not only important for their wellbeing, it also ensures the continuance of a free society, which depends upon adults being able to take care of themselves.

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* Armor (or armoring): The chronic muscular spasms (muscular armor) and character attitudes (character armor) which an individual develops that act as a defense against the breakthrough of feelings and emotions. Muscular armor serves, principally, as a defense against anxiety, rage, and sexual excitation. Character armor is the sum total of all the character attitudes which an individual develops in an attempt to defend against anxiety. Character armor causes emotional rigidity, impaired contact with others, and a feeling of “deadness.” Muscular armor and character armor are functionally identical. They are two sides of the same coin.